Lonely

Being a mom can be lonely.

Being the wife of a medical student can be lonely.

Being on an island can be lonely.

It is lonely here. So incredibly lonely here.

It’s not that there aren’t people, but how does one make friends again? I had co-workers, I admired some, was friends some, and didn’t know some too well. They invited me out one Friday night, everyone was getting drinks at the bar. I didn’t go. Our family was doing a family slumber party. Plus I don’t drink. The bar isn’t really my scene.

I invited one or two over a couple times… it never panned out. Sometimes a job for pay came up. Sometimes a sick child. Sometimes it was just forgotten. Sometimes you just feel like you are the last option for someones time. I get that. 

Yes I am married. :) My husband is my only friend, it seems sometimes. He works so very hard nearly every day in his studies, from 4am-10pm. I am so proud of him! [Plus, I'd rather have him work  hard now, then have to redo a semester and extend our stay.] Sunday is our best day, because he doesn't study! Yes my children keep me company. I am so grateful for them and don't know how I would get along without them. They are great fun! Also a great responsibility! And playing unicorns is not the same as adult mommy conversations. 

There are people at Hannah’s school, I talk to a few of them, I know even less. I feel like I’m in a different world from them. How do I connect? If we do, how do we make time? Then what do we talk about?? Your student, my child? How do I get past this?

There are neighbors. They are nice. I have come to know many. But do we have anything in common? What would we do if we got together? I don’t like being lectured, and I don’t drink. I don’t understand the Caribbean slang, often times, they don’t understand my American English. I have an accent to you, you have an accent to me. Small talk seems to be the best.

Are there moms my age? Yes. If they don’t have children… what do we do? There's no craft store, no movie theater. There are restaurants! That is nice. Now how do we meet? How do we connect? What makes 2 people friends? Where in this med school budget can I make social dining an option?

Are there moms with kids the age of my children? Yes! Many! At least 22 of them. (Considering that is how many student are in Hannah's K1 class). Perhaps if I knew more….. Honestly I’m not sure who is who here. Let alone who belongs to who. But of the handful I know, all of them work. They work long hours.

I have had a few playdates. Moms that stay home with young kids like me. Perhaps this is not the story for everyone… from my experience… the playdates have been heartbreaking. It usually entails me watching ALL the kids while the other mom eats, or goes to the store, or talks on the phone… and not always telling me this is going to happen. Best case scenario is when we are both in the same room together… watching Netflix while the kids play. I don’t like the TV. Especially when I feel like I am shirking my duty to my children. I leave feeling worse then when I came.

There are spouses/significant others of some of the students here! I knew several! Many have since left. Few remain. I look forward to their activities and dinners! It’s fun to get a crowd together and visit. They get me. We come from the states (or Canada). We have loved ones rigorously studying day in and day out. It is a reprieve to go to these events! This semester I am the only female. I can’t invite one or two spouses out to lunch, or over for a visit. ME the single women in the group, where none of us are single. No, it is best to go when it is an organized event by the group. (there are some professor wives, most have children who have grown, they are included in the group dinners and activities).

Is there church? Yes! But it’s an island, 2 hours, and $600 away (that is just to get there! Not counting the trip back!) There is a Sister here. She is so sweet, and checks on us often. She comes to our home for church services when she can. I don’t know what I would do without that other female presence in my life. 

I am grateful for skype, hangouts, texts, emails, MarcoPolo and the like. I love hearing from and connecting to old friends, and family back in the states. I feel remembered. I am able to share fun times, hard time, good times, and normal times. But there is just a little something lacking. It is not the same as face to face. Really face to face. It is not the same as being in the same room together, and “hanging out” together. We can’t go shopping together, or crafting. We can’t walk to get the kids from school together, or make meals together. Even now, it seems like I’m losing that connection. What do we talk about? How did we spend hours and hours together before? I remember what it was like! How do I make friends like that here? Will we be the same when we come back? Or will our friendship be like the friendships here?

Sometimes surface friendship is easier, less painful, awkward, yet it short lived, and not so enriching. Surface friendships are lonelier.  

Always, deep friendship is what we need. It requires pain, vulnerability, commitment, and time. It fills you up. It is belonging. 

"Fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fittings in, gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to BE who we are. 

"A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong."

Brene Brown

[I have been thinking about this for weeks. I even typed it up weeks ago. Then afraid it was too "heavy" or a "self-pity party" I never shared it. But week after week, day after day, I have felt it. I found myself trying to hurry to post all the other news and updates, to be able to share something relevant. So here it is, take it or leave it. Don't reach out in pity. Don't feel bad. It's okay. This is just our lot, our life for this time. I know that. I have my sweet precious family, and 10 more months to go! It is okay for me to share pain. Pain, sorrow, and grief are not bad. They are part of the human experience.Trying to ignore it, or hide it, is what doesn't help us.]